How to speak coffee at a Starbucks or "Wow, am I really that much of a snob? Yes. Yes I am."

I'm back on tour in the mid-west and it's time to sort out the priorities. Shower? Not yet. Sleep? That'll have to wait. Coffee. Let's make it happen. 

I'm sure somewhere in New York there'd be a decent coffee roaster but for the touring musician: you get Starbucks. If you're lucky. 

You'd like a latte? Sure. Would you like whipped cream with that? No jokes, that's a standard question. Ordering something other than a warmed up coffee coloured milkshake takes a little bit of practice. 

Tall, Grande or Venti? Let's stray off the menu and order a short. (Not an espresso mind you, this is just the kind of kiddie-cup they keep on hand for arrogant Australians who like to whinge)

Want it to taste like coffee as well as look like it? A double shot helps get it closer to the mark. Not exactly single origin but really, I should be over the moon it's not Blend 43!

Short Soy Latte with a double shot. It's my secret recipe that comes close to a takeaway latte from back home. Now, how do I get rid of that phantom sugar. I didn't ask for sugar, it's just there. Seems to be everywhere over here. (Ever had Vegemite on a piece of toasted cake?) Is there such a thing as anti-sweetener? Salt? Last time I put salt in a coffee my Dad got really mad. I swear it was a mixup. 

You know what's really missing though? The nose ring. And the neck tattoos. And the dreadlocks. And the playlist that inexplicably changes from Led Zepplin to The Seekers and on to Skrillex. And why is everyone here so nice? It's almost like someone told them customer service was a service industry.

Good thing I'm here for more than coffee. Now where's that pie?